Rituals After Dying Pt. 2/Hadong

On the 18th of May I met with a small group from Hadong for a memorial I planned for Gareth. (See blog post titled "Rituals After Dying Pt. 1). It was beautiful- something Gareth would have been incredibly proud of and honored by.

Gareth's shoes, "slosh ball" card, bracelet, and a laminated card including a photo and a bit about Gareth were placed in a box. I was happy to be gathering with people who knew Gareth well, and who were truly like family to him, in the small town where we met.

Sealing these few things in a box proved a bit harder emotionally than I had anticipated. It was another wave of letting go that I don't feel prepared for. But I don't feel prepared for any of it, really. Any of the letting go. I hate having to do any of it, be it with tangible things like his shoes and the bracelet he wore almost daily, or the intangible, like the idea that he would have gotten better and we would still be together. Letting go sucks. It just does. And without an alternative, I turn to the ritual of gathering with people who feel their own loss and celebrate our dear friend.

I asked Soon to translate the message into Korean, in hopes that if/when the box is discovered, the person who finds it will understand the importance of its contents:

I took the subway into Daegu the day before I left for Hadong in search of some white silk I could use to wrap the box. I was directed to a market place, but being Sunday late afternoon, almost all of the stalls were closed. In my running dialogue that I tend to have with both God and Gareth, I asked to be directed to someplace where I could find the cloth. And here is where it will sound like I'm fabricating a story, but this is how it happened: I walked perhaps 20 minutes, down one street, turning on another, and another, straight ahead and again turning down another, until I found myself in front of a tiny closet-sized store selling curtains. In the center of the room was a table and on that table was piled white cloth, just the kind I was looking for.

As I stood outside the shop looking up the words in Korean I would need to make the transaction, a young man approached and asked, in English, if I needed help. He and I entered the store and inquired about the white fabric. When I explained what I needed it for, the shopkeeper reached under the pile and pulled out a special fabric. "This is the traditional fabric used for funerals," he said. Of course. I recognized it as the fabric used to cover Gareth's coffin. And here it was- in the curtain store, that I somehow happened upon as though I knew where I was headed. I purchased $20 worth.

 

The night before I made programs with lyrics of the songs we'd hear and written messages from several Hadong friends who could not be with us. I also made a cd for each of us attending the memorial. It felt incredibly good to be planning and gathering things for a party for Gareth- almost like I was planning a surprise birthday party. Man, I miss him.

We met at David and Lin's apartment around 5:30p.m. (pictured here in front row: Sheldon, Brennand, Soon, Lin, David, and David and Lin's son/back row: me, So Yeon, Lin's daughter visiting from Thailand, and Dave.) Soon we made the 15 minute drive to Jeondo, the town where Gareth lived when we first met.

We pulled into Gareth's old apartment parking lot. Lots of memories here of the very early days of our relationship. The first time I visited here, he took me on a walk behind his apartment to his favorite place in all of Korea (this is what he told me), and this is where we'd bury his shoes. 

 

After walking through the tennis courts behind Gareth's apartment, we walked up these stairs- the same stairs Gareth and I walked on that night.

The sun was setting just as it was the first time Gareth took me here, and here, with our friends behind me and his belongings wrapped in white cloth in a box held in my arms, I remembered that evening well. Gareth wrote about it:

You came this evening to my apartment
in black flats and skinny jeans.

We walked through the gathering dusk
up a narrow flight of steps behind

the courts, into hugging hills.
Steps clanged under footfalls, and

the path was blocked by a tree. We climbed
over and around before the long grass

and a fence and a road that looked
as though a painter put it there. We held

hands amid the ministrations of hills
past small farms and the round houses

of ancestors, downstream although
we couldn't see the river, revealed below

the bone yard, curved like grass-tombs.
We walked, hearts huddling, hush-step

past pines and deciduous tree
leaves beginning to tip out green libations

to the sun, running down to yellow,
brown and red. We paused each few breaths

to hold our peace in arms close to chests
and let whatever moment chose to manifest

itself run down towards horizon. And
then we came to a grave giving back

its grass mound to the hill. The nearby
farm, held in the hills' hug, stood abloom

with white flowers as we sat, and you
grew like an orchestra to joy.

How nice it was to be bringing our Hadong family here. How nice it was to share about that night with Gareth- how long it took us to reach our final destination because we'd stop and hug for ridiculously long moments every few minutes.  It is not with rose-tinted glasses of looking back on the past that I say we were incredibly in love. This is just the fact of the matter. Gareth and Bridget were in love.

I purchased this rainbow umbrella for Soon. Gareth considered Soon like a true sister. A long-time resident of Hadong and angel to the foreign community there, Soon was an important part of Gareth's life in Korea. His favorite umbrella was his rainbow one, and I suspect he lost it (as he had once before and replaced it) as I didn't find it in his apartment after he died. He'd go on and on about how he loved this particular umbrella, and when I saw one in my campus store, I knew Soon needed it to shield herself from the sun on the day we gathered to be with Gareth's spirit. He would have offered his to her had he been there and had it with him.

 

Almost there! It's about a 10 minute walk from behind his apartment to the actual place he wanted to show me.

 

And here we are- a cemetery that overlooks a small river, rolling hills, and an industrial site that funded Gareth's teaching position. Gareth told me he liked to come here and write. Or sit and think. It was a place where his often busy mind quieted. We'd picnic up here from time to time and even after he moved to Gyeongju, we'd visit here during a weekend visit to Hadong. 

We found a spot that we thought was right for the burial, out of sight of the curious farmers nearby. Bren was nominated to begin digging and we set up a place to sit.

We began with the Flight of the Conchords song "Friends"- perhaps not a traditional funeral song, but Gareth had introduced me to the comedic duo from New Zealand and his love of humor is all over these lyrics. There was no better way to feel the presence of our friend with us than by enjoying a good laugh in this way.

Click here to watch the video/hear the song

Next we each shared a word that came to mind when we thought about Gareth...

funny...

romantic...
humble...
poet...
creative...

Soon reading a poem by Thich Nhat Hanh

 And Soon read a poem by Thich Nhat Hanh:

This body is not me.
I am not limited by this body.

I am life without boundaries.

I have never been born,
and I have never died.

Look at the ocean and the sky
filled with stars, manifestations
from my wondrous true mind.

Since before time, I have been free.

Birth and death are only doors
through which we pass, sacred
thresholds on our journey.

Birth and death are a game
of hide-and-seek. So laugh with me,
hold my hand, let us say good-bye,
say good-bye, to meet again soon.

We meet today. We will meet
again tomorrow. We will meet
at the source every moment.
We meet each other
in all forms of life. 

 

Our friend Melinda asked to have the following song played:

"Sailing Round the Room"- Emmylou Harris (click to listen)

We read comments from "Cousin" Isaac, now living in Vietnam:

Me, Gareth, and Isaac on the beach in Geoje

I chose this quote (a modified form of "Go West Young Man") because Gareth said this about Nate Fisher, the main character from the TV show Six Feet Under. Like Nate, Gareth was an idealist who struggled for a lot of his life, and while we're all aware that he had his demons, it needs to be said that he had his angels, too. His poetry, his ability to see the beauty in all facets with the world, his love of travel, and most especially nature. He went to Korea, and he grew up with the country.

"[Wellington] is not a place to live in. The rents are high, the food is bad, the dust is disgusting and the morals are deplorable. Go [to Korea], young man, go [to Korea] and grow up with the country."

-Horace Greeley

David reading comments from Isaac.

And from Zach, who was traveling:

Gareth, we didn’t know you long, or as well as many, but in our short time together you made an indelible impression on our lives. Whenever we came to Hadong, you were always there with a ready smile and a kind word, and that sonorous accent made anything you said even more interesting to hear. Your sneaky cricket power made us all back up a step when you came to bat, and after the game had inevitably yielded to a lot of friendly conversations, your poetic view of life made us come in that same step to listen better. We truly hope you have found peace, and as the song says: “We’ll meet again” some day, I’m sure.

And from Nicole, now in Canada:

I remember the first day I met Gareth - he walked all the way up the hill to your middle school for a game of sloshball. That first day I discovered his passion for watches, his keen eye for matching things (a running theme that stayed with us throughout all other times spent together), and his extremely friendly attitude. He fit in immediately! Not long after did I have the joy of shopping with him in Hadong, a joy I know you have witnessed a number of times! I was looking for prizes for my kiddies and realized that I was shopping with a REAL LIFE ADULT-CHILD!!! More so than Martin! hahaha we must have spent thirty minutes in one shop checking out the guns and trinkets! Needless to say, we had a lot of fun. That experience helped me put together his bday gift bag full of fun stuff, including a pellet gun and "boing boing" socks - It was just as much fun buying gifts FOR him as it was shopping WITH him. 

Martin, Quinn and I truly discovered his free spirit on our trip to Hwagae to see the beautiful cherry blossoms that year. While walking through Ssangaesa, we "lost" Gareth as he ventured in his own time and place, photographing, enjoying, and taking in the beauty of the temple. I admire that in people- independence. We had a 2-hour lunch by the river, followed by a 2-hour car ride home (terrible Korean-holiday traffic!!!) Gareth adorned the car ride with his story telling skills… which was repeated… over… and over… and over… …until I fell asleep haha We lived, laughed and loved through many occasions. 

I loved how he would come to Hadong for an afternoon coffee, and would give us a call once in while which lead to dinner and sometimes even a ride home as he'd miss his bus. Throughout this time spent together, I believe he felt a very strong kinship with Martin. He trusted Martin. And I don't think (correct me if I'm wrong), but I don't think he trusted too many people

… And then the lovely Bridget arrives in Hadong! She-who-has-come-here-single-and-also-loves-coffee-and-and-writing-and-all-things-Gareth. It did not take long to recognize the amazingly bright spark between the two of you. "He was smitten by this amazing woman, who tried to deny just to what extent she felt the same." Isn't that right you truly were incredible together.  And you both are so lucky to have shared that love There are too many people in the world today who do not experience that love and friendship.

Brennand reading Nicole's message.

****

It breaks my heart to think that we will never meet again. (At least not in this lifetime.) Seriously thought we’d be crossing paths again… So many memories keep us close. You are family to me. My Hadong family. A place I call home.

I really am terrible at saying goodbyes. I wish I could be there, with Bridget and others, in your favorite place, to share this moment with people who knew you.

We love you, Gareth.

There’s one thing that I want you to know. I am so happy because when I pull out the picture or Martin and I that I keep in my wallet, I find your beautiful arm holding a bottle of Gatorade, photo-bombing the heck out of it!! It’s truly the perfect picture.

I miss you.

I love you.

Bridget, my heart goes out to you. You have been blessed by love that words cannot describe (Yet your photos are magical.) I am sorry I cannot be there today. Thank you for keeping us close and making us a part of this important moment in time.

Time.

Gareth, you loved time. You loved the KEEPERS of time. I will keep you in my heart for the rest of my time.

May you rest in peace.

Others sent video messages, like our friend Jackie, "The Mayor of Jinju" (seen below on her birthday last year).

It was so nice to have the voices and faces of these friends here with us to celebrate and remember Gareth.

Our sweet friend Dirk (pictured below with Soon) has since moved back to the U.S., as well. He sent a video message.

Listening to Dirk's video message.

Next we took turns reading a blog post I made a while back called "50 Things About Gareth"- and it was nice to be able to remember these things, laugh about them, and be reminded of similar stories among friends. (Click here for the link to 50 Things About Gareth). The sun was setting, and we were basked in the "golden light" that Gareth often pointed out at this time of day. We were in his favorite place at his favorite time of day. 

 

A moment of stillness while listening to Tracy Chapman's "The Promise":

"If you wait for me, then I'll come for you/Although I've traveled far, I always hold a place for you in my heart./If you think of me/If you miss me once in awhile/Then I'll return to you/I'll return and fill that space in your heart..."

(Click here to listen to the song)

 It shouldn't be any surprise that we were greeting by a very vocal cuckoo bird (뻐꾸기 새) in this middle of our ceremony. "KUH-KOO! KUH-KOO! KUH-KOO!" We all fell silent and took it in. Smiling. This little feathered friend showing up and having something to say. 

When Sheldon came to Gareth's memorial at Dongguk University, he told me "We'll be seeing Gareth again...yep! We will! In the Great Gettin' Up Morning! Yes, we will!" I love Sheldon. So did Gareth. And we appreciated his keen and deep knowledge of several topics, including highway systems and toll fares in Canada, Japan, and Korea and all things Gospel music. "In the great what?" I asked. "The Great Gettin' Up Morning! Wintley Phipps." Ah! He's referring to a song. Of course, I asked if he'd be willing to sing it in Hadong when I was putting the memorial together, and he graciously accepted. And he blew us away. Beautiful voice. Uplifting song. It was lovely.

(Click here to hear Wintley Phipps sing it)

 

Sheldon singing "Great Gettin' Up Mornin'"

 

After Sheldon sang, we buried the box of Gareth's things, along to Wintley Phipps recording of the same song.

 

It's not too deep, and I suspect it will be found in time. I'll remember it's placement by the large stone nearby.

After a sincere hug from me to each person there, we packed up and headed back down the path to our car. I felt light- happy. Like we put before us Gareth in his entirety and celebrated that person. We didn't shy away from the struggles we saw in him, nor did we get stuck by only looking there. Gareth was truly loved by this little Hadong family, for exactly who he was. And I believe he knew that.