May 13, 2014
I am pulled to the page when I am in pain. And that's been important. But I must not forget that it's equally important, both for me and for anyone curious about the process of grieving, to write about and record the good days. Because they are here, sandwiched in between the tougher ones. And I'm finding that the good days are coming more and more frequently.
The term "good days" is subjective, of course, and in reality each day that I wake up and do it again- this life, that is- is a good day. Every day that I am gifted time on earth with those I love is a good day. But I use the term here to mean days when I'm not swallowed in grief. Days when I am finding joy and having long and delicious moments of contentment. Days when I'm present to those who are speaking to me and their words are not unknowingly overtaken by the running commentary in my head that is related to loss. I am experiencing days of hope.
One thing that is helping the shift is keeping an attitude of gratitude going, and I thank my friend Maggie Sullivan for instilling in me the importance taking a gratitude inventory on a regular basis. There are always, always, even in the worst of days, tiny occurrences in which gratitude resides. Today feels full of promise, no doubt in part to recommitting to the practice of thinking of the last 24 hours and listing specific things that I'm grateful for. Thinking of the last 24 hours, I'm grateful for:
-getting to spend time (dinner/tea) with a sweet friend and being grateful for the connection
-waking up to the ridiculous face of Philopena
-being grateful that I was born with the temperament that allows me to look down and see my dog staring up at me while relieving herself on the kitchen floor AS I'm getting her leash to take her out on a walk and I just say, "Oh, silly dog! That's not where you pee!" and laugh while cleaning it up.
-getting a beautiful voice message from Gareth's mom and again being continually grateful that she and I are connected
-installing Magic Jack on my phone and being able to easily call (for free!) my family back in the U.S.
-a ranting facebook post from Caleb that made me for real laugh out loud, not just lol.
-getting an amazing package from my friend Christine in Alaska and feeling ridiculously cared for and thought about in a way that makes me want to rub up on the universe like a cat
-a quick call from sister Soon in Hadong "Hello, BRIDGEEEEEEET!" and the promise of seeing her and my other Hadong family members this weekend
-being sent the link to watch my performance at last month's story slam and watching it without judgement- how'd that happen?!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zGrjP3oWNA (please excuse the occasional "wft" and other sailor talk...)
-I guess this banana I'm having right now is pretty good
-being able to run into my friend Steve in the halls at work and trading a quick arm pat
-Every time I realize I have a friend named "Christian Blood" I am so intensely happy. I mean, seriously. That is by far one of the coolest names I know.
-I have a grief therapist who completely gets it, and says the right thing each and every time.
-My toenail polish is all jacked up and I grabbed my ridiculous nun sandals on the way out of the door to wear, but my legs are shaved, gal darnit!
-An office mate and Gareth's brother, Scott, both called me "B" recently and that always warms my heart a bit. It's what my sister calls me.
-I have Mondays off. Bam. That's all that needs to be written to bring on the gratitude.
-I like the way my brain works. Anytime I think of or list 2 2-syllable things (like this morning I was walking into the office and I thought "After work I need to run by the store and get paper towels and trash bags")- I am compelled to insert the two things into a Carpenters song: "Paper towels and trash bags always get me doooooown." Even though they don't. But there you have it. And I like that my brain does that.
-It's super grey and overcast and I'm not having that feeling like, "Ohhhhh....it's grey... and overcast...just like my mood..." I'm more like, "Huh. It's grey. This is a good running day."
-Pictures of Gareth and I on my office desk make me happy. Right now I'm looking at them and remembering when and where they were taken and it's making me smile. We had a tremendous about of fun and so many experiences together. I'm so grateful!
-There's also a picture of my niece when she was about 3. Her cheeks are all chubby and she's grinning with her tiny teeth showing and her eyes squinted shut and she has black glasses frames without the lenses sitting crooked across her little button nose. So cute.
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-Dem birds is singin' outside and I like that.
I am pulled to the page when I am in pain. And that's been important. But I must not forget that it's equally important, both for me and for anyone curious about the process of grieving, to write about and record the good days. Because they are here, sandwiched in between the tougher ones. And I'm finding that the good days are coming more and more frequently.
The term "good days" is subjective, of course, and in reality each day that I wake up and do it again- this life, that is- is a good day. Every day that I am gifted time on earth with those I love is a good day. But I use the term here to mean days when I'm not swallowed in grief. Days when I am finding joy and having long and delicious moments of contentment. Days when I'm present to those who are speaking to me and their words are not unknowingly overtaken by the running commentary in my head that is related to loss. I am experiencing days of hope.
One thing that is helping the shift is keeping an attitude of gratitude going, and I thank my friend Maggie Sullivan for instilling in me the importance taking a gratitude inventory on a regular basis. There are always, always, even in the worst of days, tiny occurrences in which gratitude resides. Today feels full of promise, no doubt in part to recommitting to the practice of thinking of the last 24 hours and listing specific things that I'm grateful for. Thinking of the last 24 hours, I'm grateful for:
-getting to spend time (dinner/tea) with a sweet friend and being grateful for the connection
-waking up to the ridiculous face of Philopena
-being grateful that I was born with the temperament that allows me to look down and see my dog staring up at me while relieving herself on the kitchen floor AS I'm getting her leash to take her out on a walk and I just say, "Oh, silly dog! That's not where you pee!" and laugh while cleaning it up.
-getting a beautiful voice message from Gareth's mom and again being continually grateful that she and I are connected
-installing Magic Jack on my phone and being able to easily call (for free!) my family back in the U.S.
-a ranting facebook post from Caleb that made me for real laugh out loud, not just lol.
-getting an amazing package from my friend Christine in Alaska and feeling ridiculously cared for and thought about in a way that makes me want to rub up on the universe like a cat
-a quick call from sister Soon in Hadong "Hello, BRIDGEEEEEEET!" and the promise of seeing her and my other Hadong family members this weekend
-being sent the link to watch my performance at last month's story slam and watching it without judgement- how'd that happen?!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zGrjP3oWNA (please excuse the occasional "wft" and other sailor talk...)
-I guess this banana I'm having right now is pretty good
-being able to run into my friend Steve in the halls at work and trading a quick arm pat
-Every time I realize I have a friend named "Christian Blood" I am so intensely happy. I mean, seriously. That is by far one of the coolest names I know.
-I have a grief therapist who completely gets it, and says the right thing each and every time.
-My toenail polish is all jacked up and I grabbed my ridiculous nun sandals on the way out of the door to wear, but my legs are shaved, gal darnit!
-An office mate and Gareth's brother, Scott, both called me "B" recently and that always warms my heart a bit. It's what my sister calls me.
-I have Mondays off. Bam. That's all that needs to be written to bring on the gratitude.
-I like the way my brain works. Anytime I think of or list 2 2-syllable things (like this morning I was walking into the office and I thought "After work I need to run by the store and get paper towels and trash bags")- I am compelled to insert the two things into a Carpenters song: "Paper towels and trash bags always get me doooooown." Even though they don't. But there you have it. And I like that my brain does that.
-It's super grey and overcast and I'm not having that feeling like, "Ohhhhh....it's grey... and overcast...just like my mood..." I'm more like, "Huh. It's grey. This is a good running day."
-Pictures of Gareth and I on my office desk make me happy. Right now I'm looking at them and remembering when and where they were taken and it's making me smile. We had a tremendous about of fun and so many experiences together. I'm so grateful!
-There's also a picture of my niece when she was about 3. Her cheeks are all chubby and she's grinning with her tiny teeth showing and her eyes squinted shut and she has black glasses frames without the lenses sitting crooked across her little button nose. So cute.
-Dem birds is singin' outside and I like that.
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