Sunday, July 6, 2014

Day 127: Riding the Waves at Home

July 5, 2014
A familiar site- the St. Louis Arch. Seeing this while driving across the Mississippi from Illinois into Missouri always meant "almost home."


Home. A strange word after living somewhere else for a few years. Having been back for a week now, I find it's not the familiar routes or stores or foods or sights that are bringing me the most comfort. It's the people. I am home to connect.

When I got off the plane I was greeted by a small group of friends whom I had asked to be there. My family was there, of course, but I also invited a few others to be additional smiling faces and open arms as I came out of the security area.

Grief tip: Identify what you need and ask for it.

I asked for people to show up and they did. One friend had even made a welcome sign from my old Mini Cooper license plate (BMARET) attached to a tall pole and adorned with bright blue tinsel. Another was holding a rose. Others were just ready to hug me, just like I'd asked. It was an amazing way to transition back to St. Louis.

Grief tip: After you identify what you need and ask for it, accept it when it comes. 

I had an odd wave of slightly heart-racing, panicking crying that came up as I walked from the gate to where my friends and family were, but it was when my mom and I finally saw each other and hugged that the sadness and relief washed over me. I needed my mom and here she was. And here we were, both somehow acknowledging the immense pain the other had been in over the past few months. A daughter, grief-stricken and across the globe without her family and a mother, heart-broken for her daughter and unable to be with her. 



An embrace which was a long time coming.
Me with Mom, Dad, my niece Rose, and my sister Amy. And my special license plate sign.
I got my bags and drove home with my family. I'd be staying with Mom and Dad.

Last year, I was only home for perhaps 10 days. (This year it's 7 weeks.) During that short visit, I was busy clearing out my home of all its contents in order to return to Korea permanently. My free time was limited and a visit with friends or family often looked like the two of us sitting on my living room floor while I went through photographs or wrapped things in bubble wrap or put price tags on things for an upcoming garage sale.

In the evenings or early in the morning I'd skype with Gareth and we'd catch each other up on the previous 24 hours. It's hard for me not to believe that he's still back in Korea right now, doing his thing while I do mine, and that if I click on his skype contact I'll hear that familiar ring and those white dots moving....connecting...connecting...connecting. And then he'll be there, in my computer screen, ridiculously delighted to see me.

Grief tip: Remember the words of Megan Devine when she says we'll find ourselves continually going back and forth across that bridge of what was and what is now. 

I can't quite wrap my mind around the fact that he's gone. It's harder to do so from over here, so far away from Korea. I've found that each morning I wake up and go through the shock of it again. Could I have made this up? Did it really happen? Certainly I can just send him a quick message on facebook. I'm looking forward to when my mind is a bit better at coming to terms with what happened and I can ease into my day without that jolt of confusion and the following heaviness of reality.

Here's the good, though- and there is quite a bit of it. I can feel the empty parts in me being filled back up and recharged with every interaction I'm having with people over here. A long talk with my sister while on a walk. More talking with my mom while she sits in a chair in her bedroom and I sit on the carpeted floor, my back to her white wicker dresser. Hours chatting with a friend outside of a closed cupcake place, having decided their patio table and chairs a great spot for us to sit and drink our coffee in the surprisingly mild summer air. A visit with my friend and her daughter, who lost  their husband and dad (respectively) and my buddy Adam 3 years ago. Countless laughs with recovery friends, old Pier One coworkers, students that I taught 6 years ago, people I haven't seen in years or people I saw just last summer.

Each visit, each conversation, is filling me up. I can feel it happening. It's like my happy cells are regenerating. There aren't nearly as many as there used to be, but they're in there. And they're multiplying.

And the Universe, God, and Gareth are conspiring to make happy possible for me.

A friend is out of town and is lending me her car until Sunday. Another friend has parents out of town for 3 months and they're lending me their car for the remainder of my visit. A house in a beautiful neighborhood is available to me while a good friend is visiting from D.C. A visit with a friend who works in an I.C.U. cleared up a lot of questions I had about what I saw and experienced the few days Gareth was in the hospital. A run-in with someone I hadn't seen in 15 years reminded me that I am not alone, as her sister (whom she was with- and I was with my sister) lost her spouse 2 days before Gareth died. Uncharacteristically cool weather is gracing my usually stifling city. I was able to meet in person the grief counselor I've been skyping with each Tuesday for the past 3 months, as she's located just a 40-minute drive from where I'm staying. On and on come the gifts during my stay here.

And when the waves come, which they seem to do about 2-3 times a day, they are much shorter and less intense than before. I can ride them out easier, and I am not flattened when they pass as I used to be. I was promised this would happen.

Grief tip: You don't have to believe it will pass for it to actually pass. 

I've got a lot scheduled for the next 6 weeks: a trip to Portland to see a dear friend, a float trip with my dad, a special overnight with my niece, a visit (or 2 or 20) with my old dog, Gizmo, plenty of time with my family and friends, multiple stops to my favorite places for prayer and meditation. My time here is full but not busy. I am finding myself well-rested and well-fed, both literally and figuratively.

I'll let the following photos summarize my time home so far. Thank you, again, to those of you who read these words and give me a place to express this journey.

FAMILIAR FACES:

With Luke, Ida, and Ben- former students of mine, now on their way to university.

With Jonathan and Beth. Soul-feeding people right here.
With my beautiful niece Rose.
Yes! I found my favorite waitress from my teenage years! It's JUDY!
At a baby shower for my cousin- with lots of cousins, aunts, my mom, sister, niece, and my grandma.
A reunion of people I worked with at Pier One Imports in the mid-1990s until 2001. So much laughing took place on this night!
My cousin Ryan w/wife Nadine (visiting from Chicago), brother-in-law Lief and sister Amy, and cousin Brendan w/wife Tara (visiting from Nashville).
Amy and I had an afternoon in the Loop.
With Raven Wolf! (He frequently performs music outside of Vintage Vinyl.)

No caption needed.
Another favorite musician in the loop, Ray Douglas.
I love Ray Douglas and I told him I'd make him famous in Korea.
My parents' cat, Pretty Kitty, and the legs of a bunny he just ate.
Another unexpected run-in. This one with Kristen, someone I worked with at Pier One Imports. I hadn't seen her since 2001. We both left the company. Guess where our run-in was? Pier One.

FAMILIAR PLACES:
I head here for a good prayer/meditation in the middle of a run, as it's about 2.5 miles from my parents' house.
It's been a favorite place of prayer for me.
A visit to the Farmer's Market in Kirkwood made my eyes happy with fruit and vegetable visions.
July 4th- a visit to the Missouri Botanical Gardens with my friend, Jennifer. Perfect weather.





So, even as the 4th of July marked 4 months since Gareth died (still so strange to type that), I'm trying to take in the gratitude that is a result of the good that I'm surrounded by. The love. The support. And, I won't lie- the food. 


1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing, Bridget. I'll be in St. Louis August 1 through 15 and look forward to connecting with you for love, cathartic tears, and fun. Love, Aunt Mary

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