Day 111: Happy Birthday, Gareth

June 19, 2014
Day 111: Happy Birthday, Gareth


Dear Gareth,

I just realized your birthday fell on day 111 since your accident. There's that number 111 popping up at significant times, again. Coincidence or not, you'd get a kick out of this.

I read that birthdays, anniversaries, and significant dates can be a bit tough for those of us left behind, and I found that to be true, at least the night before your birthday. It was a sobber. I cried so hard I actually popped my left contact lens out, which was kind of funny and stopped me from crying for a second. You would not be down with all of this crying. It would make you feel helpless and you'd want to do something to help. It's getting better. It really is. But sometimes it still hits super hard, like day one.

I woke up this morning and wished you a happy birthday. Your mom and I traded voice messages and she told me that you were born at quarter to nine in the morning. She also reminded me that this was a day to celebrate. I've tried to keep in the spirit of celebration today. I really, really did.

I drove to Gyeongju tonight to meet your office 4 mates for dinner. The drive in is always a bit tricky, as I pass the place where you were cremated and pop into the city right where your new apartment is. Of course, the hospital is right there, too, as are the many memories of walking around that area with you. Here's where we picked up a trail for a hike. Here's where you showed me where birds were nesting. Here's where we took a late-night moon walk. Here's where we left my car and hopped on your motorcycle, instead. Every place is stamped with you. With us. It's bittersweet.

I arrived about a half hour early to meet your office buddies and thought about hopping into Coffee Core for a coffee in your honor, but couldn't quite stomach doing it alone. I decided to walk around that main street and found myself, almost automatically, making the turn left, then right, then left, then left again to the front door of your old apartment. I'm not sure exactly what my purpose was, but I stood outside of it for awhile and thought about all of the times we went in and out of that building.

I briefly thought about popping in to see the elderly woman across the way from you, but thought better of it. You really longed for a grandmother-type here, and tried with her but she wasn't as receptive as you'd hoped. I helped you pick out just the right gift (green tea from Hadong) and you brought it to her with little response. Oh, well. You tried.

I got a message from Paige the she was ready to meet and made my way back to the main area, passing your regular dry cleaning guy along the way. He was in there working at the counter and I wondered if he wondered why you hadn't been in for so long. I wish I could speak Korean better than I do.

I met your crew and we headed to a Chinese restaurant near the big intersection. There is so much you would have loved about this dinner.

-The company: I mean, look at it. All of your favorites in one room. Beth and Taejung (he's taking the photo), Qiana, Paige, Cat and Ben, Caleb and Mina, Lee and Jen, Young George Clooney (Barney), and Matthew Millar. Lots of laughing. Lots of good. You would have gotten right in there.

-The atmosphere: You're looking at the entire restaurant, basically. So we were the only ones in there. You would have liked that. Very much.

-The owner: The lady was super friendly and accommodating. You would have had something to say about her and how much you liked her. I'm sure of it. She had a strong mom vibe.

-The food: Delicious. And we shared dishes until we about popped. Beth and I both displayed what looked to be big pregnancy bellies after dinner, but hers won. Have you ever seen her do that? The best.

I felt so happy to be in the presence of people who knew you, knew you well, and loved you for who you were. There are a few in this group who, especially towards the end, saw all aspects of you like I have seen and cared about you greatly. They miss you. They were worried about you. They, like me, wished for a different outcome. They get the enormity of the loss. I don't feel as alone when I'm around people like this.

After dinner Beth, Taejung, Qiana, Paige and I headed over to BR to get a cake for you.  Out came the tears for me on the walk over, and Qiana (you would just LOVE that we have finally met, Gareth, and you're right- we get along well) held my arm and just said, "Favorite memory. What is it? Give me your favorite Gareth memory." And as I started describing one of them (the time you dealt me a whole hand of hearts when I was away at the bathroom in Coffee Core), the tears stopped and the smile returned. How'd she know to do that? She's smart, that one. I wish you would have spent more time with her outside of the office when you were here.

We made it to BR and picked out a dog ice cream cake. It looked like the kind of cake you would have picked out for me, and Beth noted that it was a "perfect Gareth cake, eh?" And it kind of was.

The lady packed it up in Styrofoam, which was kind of silly since we were just going to eat it right then and there, but that's ok. I placed it on the little corner spot where we used to sit and watch people walk down the street.

"Look at how happy you are!" Beth yelled out while I was putting the candles on the cake. And it's true. It made me giddy to be getting a cake ready for you. I know you weren't there in body, but it was almost like you were. I could just picture what it would have been like had you been sitting right there at the table with everyone as I got the cake ready for you. It made me happy.

Happy birthday to yooooooou!

Happy birthday to yooooooou!

Happy birthday dear Gaaaaaareth!
Happy birthday to yooooooou!

And when we sang for you, all 5 of us, we really belted it out. I mean to say there is not a person in that place that didn't know we were celebrating your birthday. We blew out the candles for you. We made wishes for you. We made wishes for ourselves. We celebrated for you, with you, and we were happy.

(Totally unrelated, but I came upon the photo below today and love that we're sitting in the same spots, albeit Mina and Caleb morphed into Qiana and you turned into Taejung. You both were born in the same year, as you know!)

So, there it is, babe.

This is your party. The one you would have been at had that alternate reality played out that involved a different set of outcomes. But this is our life now. Your friends. Your coworkers. Your family (mum and dad are visiting a museum with old planes- had you told me that your dad had his pilot's license once? Perhaps you did.) Your love. We're going about our lives because we need to. We have to, really. But we stop and remember you formally on days like today. And I suspect for a few of us, we always will.

I love you.

I miss you tremendously.

And I thank you for the gift of the people I have in my life today. People I would not have had it not been for you.

Love,

Bridget