Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Day 102: Accidental Relief

 June 10, 2014

Two nights ago I was having trouble sleeping. I've been experiencing that lately, which is a bit of a bummer considering sleeping used to be my super power. I used to possess the ability to sleep just about anywhere at any time, but these days I'm lucky to fall asleep before 2 or 3 a.m. Goes with the territory of grief, I'm told, and I'm sure in time my sleep will regulate itself again.

In the meantime, I often lay in bed for long periods of time, sometimes reaching to my phone to scroll through other peoples' lives via facebook or collecting news headlines until my eyelids become too heavy to keep open.

Two nights ago, this is what I was doing. My mind had been spinning at an almost furious pace with memories of times with Gareth. I'd go back and forth between happy memories and feelings of peace and feelings of panic and disbelief. I was not settled, to say the least. 

I've often found comfort in the words Gareth wrote for me when he was alive. He was a gifted poet and writer, and so many of our times together were put into words by him and left with me to read again and again. I'm soothed by these words. They make me smile. They make me love. They make me remember my role in Gareth's life, and that feels good.

Two nights ago I was soothed by words.

My friend, whose name is also Bridget, posted something on facebook, and I read it as I was scrolling through my screen, trying to get to the place where I could be settled enough to sleep. She had received an email quite by accident. It is a love letter meant for a certain Bridget- but not for her (as deserving as she is of such a letter.) It is also not meant for me. It was written by someone named "Jim" and how it was accidentally sent to Bridget is not clear.

When I read Jim's words, I could hear Gareth- no. More like feel him. I could feel Gareth with me. I had that alive feeling from head to toe that happens when you run into someone on the street you haven't seen in a long time and you're thrilled to see them again. I had that feeling. I was seeing Gareth and he was with me, speaking to me, and I was thrilled.

Let the rational me step in an explain before I lose friends.

In no way do I think Gareth actually wrote this email. I do not believe he possessed some man named Jim and made him write the words and accidentally send it to Bridget, so she would post it and I would read it as I was having trouble sleeping across the globe. I don't believe Gareth wrote to me from the dead.

I am not delusional nor am I so self-absorbed that I think every good feeling is about me.

I can only write what happened. And what happened is Bridget received an email by mistake. She posted it. I read it. I felt like Gareth was here with me stronger than I've felt it since the night I waited outside his hospital room and I could feel my heart and chest full with love and that love felt like Gareth.

I can't explain it. And I'm not sure I want to or need to.

If something brings me peace right now, I'm grateful for it.

And if Gareth could write to me- if he were able to sit next to me and speak to me, he would tell me:

Each moment I have spent with you was a gift of time that I did not have in my EXPECTATIONS."

He would tell me:

It is not by chance that we spend circling around and with a moment in time on a dance floor my life has found the planet I have been looking for."

He would tell me:

The power that has let me share my encounter with you is my path that I have found to nirvana."

He would tell me:

Bridget you have filled a hole in my heart that I felt could never be filled. You are a wonderful Lady and I am humbled to have the time you share with me. You make me happy, You make me smile, You make my soul dance with joy every time you enter my mind."

He would tell me:

"There are lots of words I will be sharing with you as we travel the universe. My darling Bridget. keep me in your heart as it is a place my soul will find comfort with your blessing."

And I will. I will keep him in my heart with my blessing because I know it is a place his soul finds comfort. 

"Thank you Lord for this encounter with Bridget."

And thank you, God, for the peace and the restful, happy sleep that came after reading this accidental email. Thank you, God, for my encounter with Gareth. And thank you, God, for Bridget. For Bridget Healy, for the Bridget of Jim's world, and for me.

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