Friday, October 3, 2014

Day 216: Today I Won't Write

October 2, 2014

It's 12:41 am here in Korea. I've been dicking around on facebook with the intent of writing to today's prompt "any minute." I read and reread the email with the prompt and didn't feel that normal spark to write. And then I realized...I'm just mad. I'm mad that I have to write about this. I'm mad that Gareth is gone. Dead. I'll say it. He is dead. I'm mad that someone posted pictures on facebook titled "This is what happens when we're supposed to be grading papers"- pics of the shirtless boyfriend with playful paint all over his arms, back, and chest. The girlfriend had drawn little vines trailing everywhere and strawberries and messages in Korean. Fuck you both. I'm mad that I'm mad about that. Is there not room in my heart for the joy of others? I'm mad that we're going into fall and no Gareth with his scratchy gray sweater that he wore in the house. Halloween, and no playful Gareth in a cow costume. Thanksgiving, and no traveling with Gareth to have a traditional meal with a group of misplaced expats. My birthday and no Gareth. Christmas and no Gareth. No Gareth. No Gareth. No Gareth. And I'm mad about that.

So, I don't want to write. Grief shows up today like an angry teenager. A sullen, fuck you teenager. How dare anyone be happy. How dare people continue to love. Gareth is gone, goddamn it. And today I won't write.


1 comment:

  1. I can really relate to this. I'll write you a private message.

    ReplyDelete