Day 167: Six Weeks of Goodness

August 14, 2014

To view your life as blessed does not require you to deny your pain. It simply demands a more complicated vision, one in which a condition or event is not either good or bad but is, rather, both good and bad, not sequentially, but simultaneously. --Nancy Mairs 


Let no man think lightly of good, saying in his heart, It will not benefit me. Even by the falling of waterdrops a water-pot is filled; the wise man becomes full of good, even if he gather it little by little. --Buddha.

Experience has convinced me that there is a thousand times more goodness, wisdom, and love in the world than men imagine. --Gehles

Goodness. Six weeks of ridiculous goodness happening around me, to me, for me, in spite of me, because of me. I have, for the past six weeks, been a scavenger of good. A receiver of love. Not unlike crowd surfing, I have been passed across the outstretched arms of delighted spirits. And here I heal. And here I heal. And here...and here...and here.

I tried to count the number of people I met with one-on-one since arriving six weeks ago, and I gave up after 45. That's 45 coffees, lunches, breakfasts, walks in the park, frozen yogurts, early morning runs, or late night chats on a bench long after everyone else has left the city otherwise empty. 45 hugs hello and embraces goodbye and often some in between.

Then there were times when I let the good wash over me in a wave- the good kind of wave. (Ah! I see...a wave can be gentle. A wave doesn't have to drag me under and choke my breath. I can, at times, be carried by one.) This happened when meeting with a group of good-givers: my old co-workers, my former employees, friends gathered to read Gareth's poems, high school classmates.

Good came in delightful jolts when I saw my favorite street performer in action, ran into a former student unexpectedly, or heard my name called from a car, only to see a sweet friend pulling over to run out and hug me.

Old and remembered goodness bubbled up in me when sitting across the table from my childhood friend whom I haven't really spent any significant time with in 30 years. The delight of being 8 years old and running through the woods looking for snakes! I felt it.

Old goodness of forged friendships. My closest female companions. A flight to Portland brought me to Maud, and Heather and Jennifer traveled from Boulder, Colorado and D.C., respectively, to each spend 2 glorious days with me. Late night talks from twin beds across a darkened room. Roller skating. Pushing on swings. Sitting in silent prayer in a chapel. Dancing on the steps of the cathedral with the parked car door open and music blaring. Delighting in the child my childhood friend created. Soaking in hot spring claw foot tubs with a white curtain between us.

And there was the goodness of bringing Gareth with me on this trip. Sharing stories about him. Hearing his words read aloud by people celebrating not only his gifted talent, but his undeniable love for me. He was here with me, and he was welcomed here.

In an oddly real-time episode of "BRIDGET HENGEN MARET...THIS IS YOUR LIFE!" people began showing up seemingly out of nowhere. Friendships/relationships set down years ago- ones that left residual discomfort, were suddenly being healed across a cup of coffee in a cafe or after agreeing to meet up for a walk. Old hurts were vanishing quicker than I could try to name them. And with these connections, some of which were to last only the length of our meeting and some of which are moving forward into current friendships, I am again reminded that I love and am loved. Even with people whom I'd never imagined seeing again, we stood with years of hurt between us and looked across the space to see only the goodness in each other.

I arrived here open to anything and everything that will propel me through this grief. My arms have been open, and I am showing up for it.

And here...can you see it? The healing?

I am showing up for the healing. And people showed up for me. I let them. I asked for them to gather with me, and they did. I arrived with grief cradled at my hip and Gareth wrapped around my frame and all three of us- me, grief, and Gareth- were welcomed over and over again. I held my face toward the bright possibility of connection and I let it warm my skin.

And when the waves hit, the less pleasant ones, the ones that passed as quickly as they arrived and the ones that brought me once again to the floor, I was held by the awareness that incredible goodness and heavy sadness can exist at the same time. Even more, I was held by the very thing that made my connection with Gareth so strong and so sweet- I loved and I was loved. I am held by the present awareness that I love and I am loved.

I love and I am loved.

I love.

And I am loved.

With OK Go in a "if Gareth could only see me now" moment.

With Ian, a former student, joining me at the OK Go concert.

I ran into Kristin whom I hadn't seen in 13 years.

With high school classmates, most of whom I hadn't seen since 1991!

With Gizmo! (Frank) and his new mom and dad, Doug and Erin.

Post tattoo (kakapo, kiwi, Korea's national flower, and line of G's poetry) with Amanda Pepper.

With friends from my days as a manager at Pier One Imports.

Ah-WOOOOO! Post-howl with my sister and Raven Wolf, one of my favorite local performers.

With my momma, the day after I arrived back in St. Louis.

Ju-JU-DAY, JU-DAY-JU-DAY-JU-DAY-JU-DAY, WAAAH! With Judy, a favorite waitress of my teen years.

A visit with Izzy, massage therapist in Portlant, OR.

With my niece, Rose. Beautiful.

With Dave and Barb. I was on their team the first year I taught middle school.

With childhood friend Billy. Now Will.

Like no time had passed. Good high school friend Stacey.

Charlotte stopped her car to say hello.

Maud and I had a throwback evening at the roller rink.

With Maud, Maud's friend, and my two friends whom I met in Seoul.

Oh, Heather. I love you. Friends since 1974.

Between two incredibly decent people, Jonathan and Beth.

Kathy! My sweet friend. Custodian at the middle school where I taught.

I can't say enough about my gratitude here. With my grief therapist, Lisa. We were connected with each other while I was still in Korea and we skyped each week. She gets it. She really does.

More former students! I am feeling joy right here with Luke, Ida, and Ben.

Goodness came often in the form dogs.

With my dear Aunt Mary. We are connected in a way now we don't wish to be, but are each profoundly grateful for the other.

Goodness here with Ray Douglass, a favorite local performer.

With Jen Fox and Maud. We met in 1987.

These people know me, get me, and love me. Triple blessed! Co-workers from Wydown Middle School.

Andy and I taught on the same team for years. Good people. (with his wife Jen.)

Another student sighting! This time with Anna.

And the love keeps coming. Here with my sister and our 4th grade teacher, Cheryl (Epstein) Martin.

Good golly I love this lady! Jennifer came from D.C. for a visit.

Ruby told me that "crying...is the best thing to do."

Laughing is also good, though. Here with my friend Phil in Portland.

Spending time with Teddy. One of my favorite humans on the planet. I taught him in 8th grade.

With cousins and sister and brother-in-law.

This amazing group gathered to read 34 of the 88 poems Gareth wrote for me in the time we were together. An amazing night!

With Ailce. Again, like no time has passed.

I was reunited with my old dog, Gizmo. (now Frank.)

One of my dearest, dearest friends. Aimee and I taught together.

Aimee's twin girls, who have been like nieces to me since I met them at age 2.

Goodness in the form of a goat!

I first met Amber and Liz in Seoul and we reconnected in Portland. Their love for each other makes my heart feel full.

Heather and I worked together. And now she lets me fling my leg up on her in photos.

With Lynn- another person who I feel "gets me." And how nice is that to feel?

With Kyle, who reminds me that our words are powerful.

Helena has a common love of play and gets the heavy stuff, too.

Next year Philopena will have someone to play with!

With 4 Clayton students and 2 moms. Lisa (mom of 2 of the girls) organized a dinner and rock-decorating party at her house.

On each side of each rock I wrote the name of someone I spend time with while here.

They all fit snugly in this jar which will travel back to Korea with me tomorrow.